Well today I am still with all but, shall I have that tomorrow? Oh I often wonder as I go to sleep every night, as to whether there will be another tomorrow for me!Mike and I went to the Cardiologist yesterday another $50.00 to him and no answers to us as to where do we go from here. He does want to do another test to go look at the heart completely it is called the TEE test, you put a probe through my mouth down through the throat to the heart, for this is supposed to be the best way to see how the aortic valve is malfunctioning. Showing why I live life as if I am suffocating every second that I am alive.
The Thoracic surgeon I will always feel Took My Life Away As I Knew It, for I was so happy and always on the go. Now I would consider myself to be a Shut In. We are invited to go places but, because if I am going to talk to anyone I have to talk rather fast, it is difficult for them to understand me, or I talk very slow so that I can breath while talking and they look at me "like what happened to you: (As I am gasping for air) It is so painful to go out into public even to a store, for should I have to talk I always hear back from whom ever I am talking to "I can't understand you" so then I reply talking slower and how I always get strange looks.
I find myself always apologizing to Strangers, also to People that I know that I speak to, but they understand for they know what I have been going through for almost three years, many times watching me gasp for air, wishing that they could heal me knowing there isn't a damn thing that they can do but be there for me. The stranger just sort of stares then walks away.
After the Cardiologist told us about the next test he would like to have performed we asked him and after that, since the Heart Cath showed that the Aortic Valve is a Mismatched valve, then what? He replied will talk about it after I have the test results.
My days are full of tears and so much sorrow and frustration. Always asking myself why me, why did I even let them do this open heat surgery to me? I know I can't go back and change a thing and that I am to move forward. Move forward to what? looking at walls all day, not being able to go for walks, exercise, zumba, shopping, driving, talking on the phone to friends, going to many Friends Birth Day Parties we are invited to. This is not my life. Oh what a very very difficult time I am having handling all of this.
Just had to let my feelings out, and I am able to do it on my Blog for my Blog can't make fun of the way I speak so fast and hard to understand me because I can not breath and always gasping for air.
Why I am being punished like this I will never know, for I am a very kind, loving, caring, and giving person. Guess that does not matter though.
I am have been told by my very wise Sister that Tomorrow is a Present, I have been through many Tomorrows but not one with a present of my Life as I knew it.
Best get going for I am getting very short of breath just trying to complete my post.
For now I shall only say Till We Meet Here Again!
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